How to talk to your children about sex

According to studies, a good sex education helps children form healthier relationships. Here the expert’s explain how to start

Almost every parent will inevitably have faced the question about ‘where babies come from’ from their child. So if, like me, you were given very little in the way of sex education when you were a child, it can be a little daunting to know where to start.
However, doing it sooner rather than later can have long-term benefits, according to a report by Eva Goldfarb, professor of public health at Montclair State University in the US.
The study, one of the biggest reviews into sex education over the last 30 years, found that providing young children with a basic overview in sex education can help them form healthy relationships.
“Start earlier than you think,” Goldfarb says. “Even with very young children you can talk about names of body parts and functions, body integrity and control.”
Answering young children’s questions openly can set a positive pattern that makes it easier to talk about more complex issues later, she advises.
Anna Mathur, a psychotherapist and author of The Uncomfortable Truth, a book about facing and overcoming fear, says parents often have to overcome their own shame and embarrassment around sex before discussing the subject with their children.
“I have worked with many parents for whom the topic of sex coming up with their children has brought to light their own emotional response. As parents become more comfortable and feel appropriately free to approach the topic of sex with their children, their children inevitably feel more at ease too,” she notes.
Using a book or a resource aimed at both parents and children can help to provide a framework with which to focus your talk, Mathur advises. Personally, I would recommend Kay’s Anatomy by Dr Adam Kay.
Psychologist Dr Louise Goddard-Crawley says that sex, biology, and relationships should be guided by a child’s developmental stage and curiosity. Here is a very rough guide (which can vary depending on the individual child). 
“For young children, between the ages of three to five, you can begin fostering an environment of openness and honesty, while using simple, age-appropriate language. This can lay the foundation for future conversations,” says Dr Goddard-Crawley. “Teaching correct body part names and basic reproduction concepts helps children develop a healthy understanding of their own bodies.”
During the ages of five to seven, these anatomical terms, and the concept of boundaries and consent, should be reinforced. “Explaining how babies are made in simple terms, while emphasising that these topics can be discussed openly with trusted adults, encourages curiosity and builds trust,” says Dr Goddard-Crawley.
Then, from ages seven to nine, children will typically become more aware of their emotions and social dynamics. “This is when it might be an appropriate time to start discussing puberty, feelings, and friendships. Providing more detailed information on reproduction can also help them develop a comprehensive understanding of the topic.”
Finally, from ages nine to 12, when puberty will typically be underway, it can be good to start addressing emotional changes, relationships, sexual orientation and gender identity. “Emphasising consent, safe online practices, and inclusivity prepares children for the more complex social situations they may encounter during adolescence.”
Using everyday situations can help normalise the subject and make it a bit less intimidating for both children and adults, says Dr Goddard-Crawley.
“For example, during bath time or when getting dressed, you could talk about body parts and their functions. Or, while watching TV shows or movies, you could discuss the healthy and unhealthy relationships portrayed on screen. You can use these examples to explain concepts such as consent and boundaries,” she advises.  
The hope is that by weaving these discussions into daily life, children become more comfortable asking questions and seeking information.
“Taking a relaxed approach fosters open communication and encourages them to develop a healthy understanding of their bodies, relationships, and sexuality,” says Dr Goddard-Crawley.
When it comes to tone, it’s important to strike the right balance, says Dr Goddard-Crawley.
“Being too serious can make the conversation feel intimidating, while being too jokey may undermine the importance of the topics. Finding the right tone can be tricky, but remember, you don’t have to be an expert on this,” she notes.
“Although, I think it does sometimes help to use humour – as long as it’s done appropriately. While it’s important to maintain a respectful tone, using appropriate humour can help lighten the mood and make the conversation more comfortable for both you and your child.”
Using empathy and listening carefully and non-judgmentally to your child’s questions is also vital.
“Acknowledge any feelings of embarrassment or confusion and reassure them that these are normal reactions to discussing sensitive topics. Try to tailor your tone and language to your child’s age and developmental stage. This ensures that the information is accessible and understandable.”
“Our children look to us first to learn about what they should be embarrassed about; what is taboo; what is right or wrong to discuss,” says Mathur. “If we blush when talking about genitals, preferring cutesy language assigned in our own childhood, or swiftly move the topic on or hastily change the channel if sex is spoken about on TV (age appropriately, of course), then we may be teaching our children that we are uncomfortable talking about sex, or that sex is a shameful topic.”
Understanding the benefits of using the correct sexual terminology with your child is also a great motivator to find more ease in using the language, she adds. “But remember to be kind to yourself. It can feel uncomfortable talking about something you may have learnt is shameful or embarrassing, but in time it will get easier and certain terminology less jarring.”
It is important to familiarise yourself with the sex education syllabus at your child’s school and to let your children know they can come to you if they have any other questions, says parenting expert Kirsty Ketley.
“Check in with your child to make sure that they are okay and understand what they are being taught, but don’t feel it is necessary to sit and have ‘the talk’ with them. It is more about them knowing that you are there should they need you,” she notes.
The main thing is to be open and honest in a way in which your child understands – and only talk about what they are wanting to talk about. School will ensure they have things covered, you are there as backup and support, Ketley says.
“From personal experience, this approach often means that over dinner, or while out and about, kids will mention what they have been learning.”
“If you aren’t sure how to answer something, don’t bluff it. It’s better to be honest when you don’t know the answer to a question or are unsure how to respond,” Dr Goddard-Crawley advises.
Trying to bluff your way through a conversation can lead to confusion and misunderstandings. Instead, you can use the opportunity to explore further learning or help signpost your child to another resource.
“It’s perfectly okay to say, ‘I’m not so sure about that. Let’s find out together!’ This encourages curiosity and demonstrates that it’s normal not to have all the answers.”
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